Robert Has A Very Good Day by David Fischer Copyright (C) 2003 David Fischer "I want to buy a newspaper." Robert spoke plainly to the man behind the booth on the corner of the street in the small city in the large country on the oh so very round planet. "Here you are. Pay me now." The reply was all business and aluminium. Robert paid the man with a fifteen cent coin, which the man stuck behind his ear. "Soon you shall die. This charade cannot continue forever." Robert winced, as he always did when receiving death threats. Out of the corner of his eye he saw an exact duplicate of himself faint from hunger. Robert smiled at the man, took his paper, and continued on his way with a perky stride that told everyone who saw him whisk past that here was a man of consequence, one who took the enjoyment he wanted from the world around him, like a salamander in a whipped cream shop. Robert disappeared down the stairs to the subway boarding station just as the gunships arrived. They were used to just missing him, on schedule as always, but they strafed the subway entrance for a few minutes anyways. Was this habit or threat or dispair? Only the people involved could tell you. "It was dispair!" The pilot yelled, leaning out of the open door of his helicopter. Meanwhile, deep beneath the conctrete of the sidewalk above, worms were burrowing through the loose soil. Deeper even, Robert was boarding his train. "Robert's Train" was spray-painted all over the outside, and drawn in marker on every available interior surface. The transit authorities had questioned Robert about this defacement repeatedly, but he was as much at a loss as they were. "Perhaps there is another Robert in the city?" He argued, knowing full well that that was impossible, as he scribbled on his arm rest. He sat on the uncomfortable seat on the subway car for ten minutes, then got up, left the train, and climbed back up to the street level. The train had not gone anywhere of course, nothing functioned in the city in this day and age, but it was part of his daily routine, and that was something his enemies could never take from him! A terrible screeching horde of child robots suddenly ran past, pushing and shoving and almost knocking Robert to the ground. They were chasing a bright red anvil that bobbed and floated a few feet off the ground, carried this way and that by the winds. "Ah, the French!" Robert chuckled to himself, dispite the pain. Feeling a mite peckish, Robert wandered around until he found a hotdog stand, and ordered a poached rottweiler with mustard. "Is this a genuine poached rottweiler?" Robert asked. "Stole it from the King's Lands myself, I did!" The man insisted, to Robert's satisfaction. Robert ate in silence, threw the bones over his shoulder, then stood up, raised his arms, and yelled to the skies: "Snowy snowy snowy snow!" Titanium disks, cut into the shape of giant snowflakes, started smashing into the street around Robert's feet. "Shit!" he exclaimed, and ran into the nearest building. It was a bear salon. One wall of the room was filled with bears having their fur done, soaked and lathered up, while the opposite side of the room consisted of hunters hidden behind heavy velvet curtains watching the bear traps they had scattered across the marble floor. "It isn't much, but it's got a lovely ocean view!" the hunter nearest the front door tried to convince Robert, who instead of investing, turned tail and fled outside, back to the deadly titanium throwing snow. Which had stopped. The entire city was wrapped in an eerie silence. All of the park benches were gone. The sky, a chaos of storm clouds mere minutes before, was now a perfectly clear light blue, without the faintest touch of haze. The silence was broken by the sound of horses at a gallop. Soon enough, they came into view, keeping to the center of the main avenue, scaring all the people that weren't there and making them scurry back into their holes and burrows, where they already were. It was the My Little Pony Army! Robert stood firm. There was no use trying to run, and he knew how to handle this. All of the My Little Ponys stopped in formation about 100 feet from Robert, and pulled out machine guns! Just as they were about to fire, they were distracted by a thousand paratroopers descending on them, screaming in unison: "Collect The Whole Set!". The My Little Pony Army fired continuously into the air until all the paratroopers were dead. When they finally turned back to Robert, they realized that they were all out of ammunition! "Damned logistics! We'll get you next time!" Firefly growled, then they all galloped away. Robert looked at the street covered in blood and horse shit, and threw up. It was going to be a good day. The suns shone brightly in the clear sky, like a pair of hateful eyes, burning with jealousy. An old man wearing a top hat walked by and Robert killed him. A young man wearing a baseball cap walked by and Robert killed him too. Robert took all his clothes off and started climbing the building with the bear salon in the first floor. As he passed the second floor, his fingers grew tough pointy claws. As he passed the third floor, his skin grew furry. As he passed the fourth floor, he had turned entirely into a giant gorilla. By the eight floor he had evolved into some strange monster, and leapt off his perch on the side of the skyscraper, to go soaring and swooping through the streets and alleyways of the city on his black glistening bat wings. A very good day indeed.