I Don't Think The Aliens Ever Figured Him Out. by Dave Fischer If it hadn't been for the terrorists setting off a nuclear bomb in Amsterdam that morning, I think a lot more would have been made of Earth's first contact with Extra-Terrestrials. Especially since their only act was to swoop down on California and break Charles Manson out of prison. All I heard that day was people talking about the big Netherlands comix-book convention where they thought the bomb had been set off. "If it was a Marvel Con, the X-Men would have stopped it." "The EU still has a restraining order against the X-Men." "Oh yeah. Shit." By dinnertime most of the stunned world had been distracted by some shiny object or mild pang of hunger, and the war was forgotten. Representatives of the group claiming responsability were denied entrance to the UN, as no one remembered the city they were talking about. By day two however, everyone remembered Chuck. "Charles Manson, by a new reading of the administrative rules enacted following the aerospace industries' disasterous turn-of-the-century period of ineffectiveness, by being the only American currently in orbit, has been declared the head of NASA by White House officials. His current location is being determined as we speak." They didn't quite manage to find him, but they sure found traces after he had gone by. Neon-graffiti'ed garbage trucks filled with broken toys and ammo fell from the sky on the hour. All Canadian Geese migrating along the east coast grew jet-packs and wound up in Patagonia. Plate tectonics accelerated around the entire globe, causing visible mountain risings, and explosive mid-oceanic ridges. Amateur observers noted increased alien activity on the moon, which within a week of furious engineering activity, had converted Luna into a beautifully bedecked disco ball. Tides stopped, seasons stalled, rivers halted. All the animals living in extreme environments said "Enough is enough!", quit their jobs, and started hitchhiking towards North Carolina. (Contrary to popular opinion, Nort Carolina has always been considered extremely wildlife friendly, within the wildlife community. It was home to the largest Polar Bear retirement community as far back as 1890, though they kept such a low profile no one seemed to notice.) The Fire Ant Wars of Texas were suspended, except for the Junior Division. Banks declared all paper currency null and void, and the fast food industry converted overnight to providing a wonderous assortment of clam chowders. Delectible clam chowders were made in every style, from every possible source: retired racehorses, imprisoned politicians, tanning huts, race car pit crews, old transformers with PCBs, bubble-wrap, landscape portraits, suburban dispair, best-selling pop idols, lost nuclear submarines, conservative economic growth, imitation waffles, bleached coral, geological survey findings, and 1920s German mountaineering films. The KKK continued holding their previously scheduled rallies. On the nineth day, the Sun was replaced with Charlie's smiling visage, and people in every country spontaneously broke out in songs of adoration and love. "Why didn't we appreciate him when he walked among us?" "It is man's most notorious failure - never to understand except in retrospect." The United Nations disbanded and donated their office space to family members for the Charles Manson Provisional Government in Orbital Exile, All Things Through Love, Ltd., which immediately started selling t-shirts. Scientists warned of unexplained increases in evaporation rates in the North Atlantic, but no one listened, to their immediate detriment, as the long-anticipated Venus syndrome overtook the Earth in a mere 45 minutes, poaching every man, woman, and child. Except Charlie, who watched from outer space and laughed. I don't think the aliens ever figured him out.